This is Not Happening
by ChrissyTNG
Summary: PostHBP AU.  Dumbledore is dead.  Draco thinks that things can't get any worse.  He's wrong.


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**This is Not Happening**

"This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not-"

"Shut up, Draco!" screeched my cell-mate, one Severus Snape. Apparently the fact that my beautiful head was buried in my hands didn't sit well with him.

"Git…" he muttered under his breath.

He made a point of glaring at me from across our cell.

"Don't call me that, you greasy prat!" I yelled back, glaring at him in turn.

"Careful, Draco," came his softly spoken reply. "Or I'll-"

"Or you'll what? Make things worse?"

I jumped off the bench I had been sitting on and made my way over to stand by the bars. Maybe if I look Emo enough, they'll let me out?

"In case you haven't noticed, professor, but there's nothing you can do to make things worse than they already are." I sighed in exasperation.

"My hair is disheveled, there are bags under my eyes, Pansy hasn't kissed me in ages, I may never have another make-out session with Blaise Zabini again…" I trailed off. It occurred to me that Snape might not need to know all the details of why things sucked at the moment.

"Who the hell is Blaise Zabini!" demanded a blonde woman who was being escorted by an officer towards our cell. "She your lover? She the reason why you're here, Severus?"

She stood in front of us, her arms crossed, and glaring at Snape so ferociously that I slowly backed away from the bars in fear. Something told me that it was lucky we were in this cell and she wasn't.

I glanced over at Snape, wondering what he made of this. His face was unreadable as he stood up and approached the cell bars. When he spoke, his voice was so hushed that the woman leaned in closer to hear, and so did I.

"Woman, I don't have time for your foolishness. You know very well that," here his voice got even lower, my ears strained to hear properly, "that you're the only one I love."

I thought I was going to choke. I quickly looked at the blonde woman again, to make sure that she and I were hearing the same words. Her horse-like face seemed pleased, and she smiled slightly, nodding her head for him to continue.

My God?! Was I losing my hearing? Was I seeing things? The word 'love' did not just come out of Snape's mouth, it just couldn't have…. Could it? He was speaking to her again, and against my better judgment, I decided to continue listening.

"We've obviously been arrested. Get us out. It's imperative that we get home as soon as possible."

"Why've they arrested you?" she asked curtly. "You two murder somebody?"

I let out a yelp of surprise. How did she know?! Was she from the Ministry? The Order? The Death Eaters? What was that Snape, said about 'home'? Did he live with…my mind couldn't go any further.

"Shut up, you idiot boy!" barked Snape, smacking me on the side of the head for good measure. He turned back to the woman, who was now sporting raised eyebrows.

"Who's he?" she asked, turning her attention to me.

Why did I have to make that girly noise? I really hope she doesn't know my parents…or Harry Potter. That prat would never let me live it down.

"The reason why I'm here," replied Snape, again in that scary, soft voice that only he could produce. "He thought it wise to…ah, jay-walk."

"One of your lot then?" here she shook her head at me, as if I were some sort of oddity.

"What does she mean by that?" I asked, praying that 'your lot' didn't mean 'Death Eaters'. Oh, the Dark Lord was going to _avada kedavra _me, I just knew it….

"Hold your tongue," Snape snapped at me. Giving me a withering glare, he turned his attention back to our visitor.

"I'll explain everything once we get home, dear," his voice took on this strange quality to it, as if he were trying to be nice. Did he just call her 'dear'? I would've gagged if I hadn't been afraid of hurting my vocal cords.

"I can't believe you!" she shouted, most unexpectedly I might add. It made me jump. I really hadn't seen that coming. My ear drums must be loving this.

"What?!" sputtered Snape, clearly taken aback as well.

"Think about the example you're setting for our daughter! What will Lulu, think of this?! Her _father_ in jail, like a common criminal!" Her voice seemed to raise an octave with every word. It was as if she were a living, breathing Howler.

This was both awe inspiring and frightening. I backed away into the farthest corner, burying my head in my hands again. Snape had a daughter? With this woman? I was hearing things! Losing my mind due to stress! This was not happening!

I heard Snape, tentatively, try speak again. I could tell by the sound in his voice that he was attempting to walk on egg shells. God, who was she? Why was she so frightening? Why was this happening to me?

"Petunia, sweetheart…"

"Don't you 'sweetheart' me!" she shrieked, her voice louder than ever. "You're not getting out of this, that easy! The nerve you have! Ringing me up in the dead of night, telling me that you were in jail, begging me to get you out! I can't believe this! The humiliation of it all!"

There was a momentary pause.

"Guard!" she screeched.

I raised my head, sad to see that we were going to have to stay the night here, but glad to see this banshee impersonator leave. Who knew that people could yell like that? I mean, Potter, was a bit of a yeller himself, but this woman? It was a bit intimidating.

"I want to post bail for these two," she said to the approaching guard, who, by the looks of him, had clearly enjoyed listening to all the drama.

"Oh, darling," began Snape, but when she turned to look at him, he shut up.

The blonde banshee and the guard walked out, talking about what she had to do in order to post bail. I ventured a look at my professor. Relief was evident on his sallow face, mingled with…something I suspected, but really hoped wasn't 'love'.

We sat in silence until she and the guard returned. The guard didn't seem too happy about letting us out. He grumbled and muttered the entire time it took him to release us.

I followed Snape and the blonde woman, I gathered was named Petunia, out into the station parking lot. I was shoved into the backseat and told to keep quiet as we drove away. The fact that Petunia owned a car, and apparently had some knowledge of the Muggle justice system, told me the obvious. She was a Muggle.

What that didn't tell me, was how on earth she and Snape knew each other. Nor why the words 'dear', 'sweetheart', and 'darling' were so easily passed around. Or why the phrase 'our daughter' was used. The thought of Severus Snape, my head of house, my professor, breeding, made me ill.

For my own health and sanity, I chose not to dwell on any of these things. Their conclusion, was too much to bear. After all the crap I've been through this year, I decided to be kind to myself and let my mind travel to more pleasing places. Things like Pansy Parkinson's caresses…Blaise Zabini's mouth…my dashing good looks…how sexy I would look in leather...stomping on Potter's nose last September…how badass Daphne Greengrass thinks I am…my good looks….

Suddenly my delightful reverie was broken. I looked around and saw that we were in a garage. Soon I was being dragged out of the car, forcibly by Snape. His grip was painful. I winced at the thought of the bruise that was going to leave.

I found myself being pushed into a kitchen, a spotless kitchen I might add. It was all so shiny. Everything seemed to sparkle. I didn't know what to make of it. It never occurred to me that Muggles could be clean.

"You two can stay here," said Petunia, giving me a suspicious look.

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm not planning on stealing anything."

"Damn right you're not," snarled Snape. "I'm already risking my life for you, Draco, I won't have you thieving from me as well."

I stared at him in horror. He lived here? Oh God, oh God, oh God…. My brain suddenly hurt.

"Where's Lulu," asked Snape.

I couldn't believe this, but he sounded happy. I attributed this to my headache. This night was getting stranger by the minute.

"You didn't leave her alone did you?"

"How dare you!" cried Petunia, indignantly. "Of course I didn't! Dudley was here the entire time."

"That idiot!" replied Snape, his voice full of loathing. "It's a miracle the house didn't burn down while you were gone."

"Well, I wasn't going to wake her up to tell her that daddy was in jail, now was I?"

They glared at each other, mere inches between them. For a wild moment, I thought that Snape was going to hex her, or that Petunia was going to slap him. I was certain that things were about to get violent.

Needless to say, I thought I was going to faint from shock and disgust when they suddenly embraced and began to kiss passionately. They seemed to take to this activity so vigorously that they forgot I was even in the room. I couldn't handle this, so I fled to the living room, trying to block their interlocking lips from my mind. Oh the horror!

Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire as they say, because what I found in the living room wasn't any better. Just as I was fleeing the kitchen, a young girl, who by the looks of her was clearly the spawn of Snape, and that Muggle banshee named Petunia, came down the stairs.

She wasn't ugly, in fact there was something endearingly cute about her, but the fact that she was the product of the nightmare I had just left, did nothing to reassure me. We stared at each other in silence for a few awkward moments before she spoke.

"Oh," she asked with surprise. "Who are you?"

At that moment, Snape came bursting through the door. Lipstick was smeared on his lips, and it was evident that someone had been running their hands through his hair. This time, I did gag, and I collapsed onto the couch. Would my sufferings never end?

"Daddy!" screamed the girl in delight, and she rushed towards him, arms outstretched.

Snape embraced his daughter and kissed her gently on the forehead. It made me sick. I swear it did. I refuse to admit that it might have been adorable in the least. I refuse!

"How's daddy's little girl?" he asked, as he sat down in a chair and she climbed into his lap.

I couldn't handle this. Taking a huge risk, I jumped off the couch and made my way back to the kitchen. Surely Petunia, was gone by now? Upon entering, some small amount of relief came over me. There was no one here. Alone at last!

Seeing the kitchen deserted, I sat down in a chair and proceeded to bury my head in my hands again. Why was this happening to me? Why?!

After a while, I realized that the sun had risen and that it was filtering in through the windows. If I hadn't been sitting dejectedly at the table I would've tried to convince myself that it had all been a bad dream. That the last couple of days hadn't happened.

But, I knew better. We Malfoy's are realists. All I could do was hope that things didn't get any worse. They couldn't, could they?

I thought of helping myself to some food, but my fear that Petunia might bust through the door at any moment dispelled this notion from my mind. Where had she gone anyways? Not that I was eager for her company, but it was strange that she had left so suddenly…. A bit suspicious really….

I was pondering my food options when I heard a noise behind me. I turned around to see the fattest kid imaginable standing in the doorway, staring at me in shock. My irritation began to rise as he continued to gape at me.

"Well…" I said, letting the word hang.

"Who're you?" he asked.

"That's our guest, you stupid tub of lard," said Snape, appearing behind the fat kid, seemingly out of nowhere. "Now get out of my way." He pushed the fat kid ahead of him and strode into the kitchen, his daughter trailing after him.

"You're cute," she said, coming up and taking a seat next to me.

She beamed at me as the fat kid giggled and Snape suddenly narrowed his eyes in a dangerous manner. I sneered at the blubber ball and avoided Snape completely as I turned to the girl.

"Thank you," I said, feeling flattered for the first time in days. "I am, aren't I?"

Just then the door leading into the garage burst open. Petunia swept in, loathing and disgust etched in her face. I fell out of my chair at the sight of the person behind her.

It was my arch nemesis. The bane of my very existence. Harry Potter. This was not happening! This was not happening! This was not happening!


End file.
